It's been a year...

Today is Addelyn's first Birthday. Somedays I can't believe it has been a whole year, and other moments it feels like it's been forever.

This is certainly not what I had planned for our family. I did not see us as one of "those" families who visits their child at the cemetery.

But, I can't change that. It is what it is.

This year has definitely been a journey. A journey that is not yet over. But I have definitely grown and for better or worse, I am forever a changed person.

What have I learned?:

First of all, that I am in one of the biggest clubs on Earth that no one asks to be invited to join, the Grieving Mothers Club. I am certainly not the first, or the last Mother on Earth to lose a child.

The second thing I have learned is that we grieve for two reason: First, "Those who grieve well, live well." Second, "Grief is the healing process of the heart, soul, and mind; it is the path that returns us to wholeness."

And the third thing I have learned is that, "Anger affirms that you can feel, that you did love, and that you have lost."

And most importantly I have learned that no matter how many children you have, losing one, breaks your WHOLE heart.

While the suffering and anguish is still very much present in my life, I don't want Addelyn's short life to have been in vain. I choose not to view the outcome as a negative experience, but a positive one. Regardless of the short time I had with her, she gave me the opportunity to have a daughter; and that I will forever be grateful for. There better be a lot of nail polish and shopping malls in Heaven, because we are going to have a whole lot of time to make up for. Knowing that I was chosen to be the mother of this perfect individual whose only requirement for this Earthly life, was to receive a body, gives me so much strenth and comfort. I can't wait to see her again and learn from her.

She has changed our lives in so many ways and we are better people because of her. She makes us strive harder to live up to the covenants we have made so that we can see her again.

She helps us think of others more and be more empathetic and sympathetic to other's grieving and loss. My mom and I have made several gowns and afghans to donate to the SHARE Organization and that has helped me be more aware of some of the heartache in this world, besides my own. I was honored to have been able to help, but it breaks my heart that these gowns and afghans will be used for other precious tiny lives who were lost.

These are only a few of the afghans my Mom has donated.

But most of all, Addelyn has shown me that I am a stronger person than I ever thought I could be. I still have a long road ahead, but with the prize in mind, I can make it. And I have two amazing little boys who definitely make enduring this life easier and joyful.

Thank you to those who remembered Addy's Birthday. It means so much to us that you remember our daughter. It gives us validity in our sorrow that we mourn for someone, not just something that happened to us.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.-Psalms 30:5