Having Lauryn here is such a blessing. We love her so much and as we fall more and more in love with her, it is that much more painful to realize all the opportunities we are missing out on with Addelyn. I can't help but think of all the "what could have been"s. If Addy were here, she would be turning two this Christmas and there would be a whole mess of pink under our Christmas tree on Christmas morning. Her stocking wouldn't be hanging there empty, and our house would be filled with that much more laughter and joy.
I try not to focus too much on the "what could have been"s, because that makes it too hard. But I think the reason Christmas seems more difficult each year is because my boys understand more and more as they get older, the depth of our family's loss. Spencer loves Lauryn so much and it is really only now that he understands that he should have two little sisters... and he doesn't. He adores Lauryn and he can't help but miss Addy now that he understands the love that he holds for his sister Lauryn.
Watching tears run down his little face as he looks at pictures of baby Addelyn, rips my heart open and intensifies my grief that much more. And as his tears start to flow, I hear him softly say, "But I didn't want Addy to die." Witnessing my children's grief, is as hard for me as losing Addelyn. Because not only am I sad for myself, but I am sad for my children and their loss too.
But I guess if nothing else, maybe this trial that our family has been given will teach my children to be more understanding of others' grief, and loss. There is a lot of sadness out there and I hope that through our struggles and growth as a family, my children will learn to love more fully and understand that Life is a precious gift.
We wish you a Merry Christmas Addy.
4 comments:
I know what you mean when you say that is it just as hard to watch your kids grieve as grieving the loss yourself. I hate so bad that you have had to go through this. I remember how I felt when Lola told me what had happened. My heart sank! I'm also having the "I should have been able to do this with Bryce too" blues. The holidays just don't seem as full as they should without our little ones around. I hope you and your family have a peaceful Christmas.
sniff, sniff...
Love you. I'm so sorry.
Yes, life is a gift. I'm sorry the pain gets bigger. I guess the old adage that time heals all wounds isn't necessarily true. Well, at least her headstone is now beautifully adorned for Christmas. It's breathtaking.
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